Broken...//the time I don't wanna get up

Stroke after stroke, one step further, but people pulled me four steps backward.Everything is happening at the very wrong timing—when it shouldn’t happen, right before the exam.Mental trauma after another, mental pressure, work pressure.People are doing it intentionally.I understand.

Being broken again and again, and building myself back up has become the new normal.

I don't know about the exam. I’m not in the right mindset to study.Exhausted, drained completely.I begged, I cried to be allowed to study, but nothing worked. No one listened to me.

Walking from my childhood home for the last time, with books and uniform, almost in the night—without eating, without having a sip of water.A tied soul. What made me walk away and completely leave the house where I spent all my life might be a mystery to some of my close people.

Strings that were very weakly attached till then were broken completely.I no longer felt the pain.For the first time ever, I felt relieved in my life.Riding back to my place in the middle of the night while crying, when I couldn’t see the road clearly because of tears, and the baggage kept falling from the scooty since I hadn’t secured it well. I didn’t know how to secure it.At 11:20 PM, I stopped by the side of the road and learned to secure it to the scooty after trying multiple times.That day, I didn’t call any of my friends for help, didn’t inform anyone. I hardly had money for petrol.

Still, in the worst-case scenario, I didn’t feel like staying in that home one more minute.While coming, I went to my room, collected my art supplies, looked at that room one last time, and left.I didn’t look at anyone, and I didn’t look at that house.

It was some 40 km ride, and throughout the ride, I cried. It was raining, and somehow I managed to reach my place.But that was one ride—if something happened, I was okay.Every time I used to think I have to be careful, but not that day.

The shock made me lifeless as a person. Even when I reached the stay, I was not in a position to cook food and ordered.Somehow, at the same time, one of my gaming friends called and asked me if I had eaten.When I said no, he took the initiative to order, and after making sure I had food, he ended the call.He neither asked me what happened, nor did I say anything. He didn’t talk much during the call.Suddenly, why he remembered me or why he called—I didn’t ask, and he didn’t mention anything specific.

After breaking to this text, it seems impossible to hold a book. When the realisation hit that I may end up failing,it’s hard to speak a word more.

When Abhi called for tea, I felt like a human again. Till then, I had slept most of the day.I forgot humans, and I was in a complete mess.

I always had the comfort to speak to him without hesitation, but for the first time, I was silent.I couldn’t speak to him even though I tried.He couldn’t understand anything to help me out and was probably in a dilemma about what to do.

I know I’ve taken many decisions alone in life, but I don’t know what all decisions I’ll end up taking in the future.After this point, life is dangerously smooth to handle, probably.

A broken piece doesn’t have much impact if broken again. So does a person. Life is in a serious mode of roller coaster ride. In this house, I have seen every emotion—felt and lived it.

I recovered from everything and showed up in college and worked full-time.I may work again and go to college and do everything.But this time, it’s not the same.

Things will no longer be the same again because some damages are irreversible. It felt like Karna in the Kurukshetra war, where he is targeted by everyone at the wrong time.I will not die, but I may not live in the same way.

I walked out of that home with my head held high and with pride, as I didn’t do anything wrong. Living with ethics cost me a lot, and I paid the price for it. But I can’t lose my values.

Sitting here, rewinding my life altogether, left me speechless. I seriously tried talking, but mate baitiki raledu. It feels hard to do PG with all this. I shouldn’t have joined.Since I joined, I am paying a heavy price.

It does feel heavy that I no longer have a family home to go to.I may not forget that day. It’s no longer the same again.